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Experience the thrill of having well-behaved kids
and a stress free home...
"Hello... "My name is Julie Butler. I was born in Oregon and moved to British Columbia when I was nineteen, where I married and eventually became the mother of four.
The first were twins, Danny and Michael. What a challenge they were! And like most moms, I constantly worried whether or not I was doing things right.
We've all heard the old complaint that kids don't come with instructions. How True! The fighting and arguing between those two was unbelievable. I was always breaking them apart and bandaging war wounds. My husband played in a band and was often away touring so I had to handle the boys on my own.
Those first few years now seem like a sleep deprived blur, but somehow we all got through it. And then Laura came along. What a sweetheart she was. (Why can't boys be more like girls???) And finally David made his appearance three years later."
Two Quarrelling Kids Help Invent the Better behaviour Wheel
When David
was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles started.
Prior to that, they
got along great. Laura was always protective of her little brother, and
he in turn, doted on her.
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Perhaps it was about
needing space, asserting independence…whatever the reason, it drove
my husband and I crazy. It would start over the tiniest of excuses. One
minute the house would be quiet, and the next they'd be shouting at one
another.
"Mom,
Laura won't give my teddy back!"
"It's
not yours. It's mine!"
"No
it isn't. I got it for Christmas!"
"No
you didn't. I did!" |
And
on and on it would go. Until, finally, one of us would have to intervene.
And there would be a truce…sort of. At least until the next blowup.
We hated the atmosphere
of tension that would invariably follow these exchanges. Our once happy
home was being turned into a war zone, and it felt like there were land
mines scattered beneath our feet.
One night, in desperation,
we had a conference. We called the kids into the living room and told
them how upsetting their behaviour was. We asked them for suggestions on
how we could restore peace and serenity back into the family.
Off to
their rooms.
Well, we didn't resolve
anything on the spot. We sent them to their rooms with instructions to
each come up with a half dozen appropriate consequences that we could
impose the next time they had a fight.
The following day
we were presented with a list of consequences from each. Some even looked
pretty good. Examples: | | Clean the other person's room Do dishes for the
other person Make the other person's bed for a week Lend your favorite
CD or game to the other person for a week Make a list of 10 good things
about the other person Hug and make up |
We decided to arrange
the consequences around the perimeter of a board, and then we attached
a spinner in the middle. When you gave it a spin, the spinner would eventually
stop and point to one of the consequences. Then we hung the board up in
the kitchen, in plain sight. We crossed our fingers, and waited.
And waited...
It was amazing. Just
the presence of the board, hanging on our kitchen wall, had an instant
calming effect on the atmosphere in our home. Occasionally we'd see one
of the kids standing in front of the board, idly flicking the spinner,
checking it out. But the fighting had stopped.
Well not forever.
It took about ten days before they forgot about the board and peace was
shattered by another battle.
We were
ready...
We called them both
into the kitchen, took the board down off the wall, and placed it on the
table. They knew what they had to do. How could they refuse? They
chose the consequences. They practically invented
the board. It landed on the most dreaded consequence of all: Hug
and make up!
The tension was broken
as they awkwardly gave each other a hug, mumbling apologies. We all had
a good laugh, and life resumed.
Maybe
" Dear Julie,
Thanks for the follow up email. Yes I have received the behaviour wheel in
very quick time. My children have found it very novel, especially my 8 year
old son. He has been actively involved in deciding new consequences and
drawing his own corresponding pictures. He has made a wheel titled "too
naughty for words" and chose consequences and actions that he thought were
appropriate. The trouble I have is that they are almost fighting over who
spins the wheel first!!!
So far I have had my daughter make my son's bed,
my son make me breakfast, 24 hours without computer, dishwasher emptied,
plus 2 trips to the movies. All without a whimper of protest. I don't know
if the novelty will wear off, but for now the stress levels in the house
have certainly dropped. Thank you. I have recommended it to a friend who
also found the concept interesting. I am a child care coordinator and
understand the principles behind the wheel. I wish I had thought of it.
Yours gratefully,
Alison Jones"
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we're on to something...
Wow, we thought days
later when there'd been no further skirmishes…if this thing works
so well for arguing, what about some of the other issues that we seemed
to be always struggling with. Wasting electricity, for example. It seemed
like the kids were always leaving the lights on when they left a room.
Or they'd leave the TV on when they went to bed. Or they'd take half hour
showers. Why not make another wheel with consequences related to wasting
electricity?
Well, eventually and
inevitably, we ended up making consequences to cover seven different issues,
or themes. Excessive Arguing was joined by A
Job Poorly Done, Leaving the Lights On, Stretching the Truth, Taking Without
Asking, Talking Back, and Not Putting Things
Back.
And then, because
we felt that extra good behaviour should be recognized, we added another
theme called Just Desserts, consisting of rewards.
We called it The
Better behaviour Wheel.
It has worked beyond
our wildest expectations!
In the past we'd often
let behaviour slide.
"David…it's
8:30. Get the dishes done."
"I
know."
From downstairs where he's watching TV.
"David. It's
9:00. Get these dishes done right now!"
"I know."
Until we'd get angry.
And then the consequences would end up being out of proportion to the
infraction. And blood pressure would rise, and anger would reign.
"DAVID…GET
YOUR BUTT UP HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND GET THOSE DISHES DONE, AND YOU
CAN FORGET ABOUT GOING CAMPING THIS WEEKEND!!!"
But
with the wheel…
"David…it's
8:15…you haven't started the dishes yet. I'm afraid we'll have to
spin the wheel."
"But,
Mom…"
"I'm
sorry, Dear. It's really not up to me. Those are the rules we all agreed
on. I hope you don't land on a really bad consequence."
The amazing thing
is…we're no longer the bad guys. We can actually root for the kids
as they drag themselves up to the wheel. It's no longer an us
against them issue. It's the wheel that
they have to answer to.
But best
of all…we seldom have to use it. The Wheel hangs on the kitchen
wall, acting as a watchdog and reminder. It's mere presence has worked
miracles.
We want
one too...
After sharing our
experience with our friends, and demonstrating the wheel to them, we have
received widespread encouragement to make them for others.
Of course we realize that every home is different and the misbehaviours and consequences that make sense for our home might not be appropriate for yours, so we include lots of different ones with each wheel, as well as the option for you to make up your own.
We even made a Virtual
Wheel - a download version that you can spin on your computer. We're giving this away with each purchase so that you won't have to wait for your order to arrive in the mail. You can download the Virtual Wheel and start spinning right away.
PS ..."It's been four years
since we had to send them to their rooms, but David and Laura get along
great these days. They've both turned into wonderful teens, and we'd like
to think that the Wheel shares a huge portion of the credit for that."
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